Does Your Husband See the Mess? (I Asked Mine) | Ep 13

Do you ever feel like you're the only one in the house who cares about picking up messes? You won't want to miss this conversation.

In this episode, Elyse sits down with her husband Tim to ask him exactly what he sees (and doesn't see) around their home. What starts as curiosity about mess turns into a real conversation about the mental load, why two people living in the same space can experience it so differently — and what actually helps.

If you've ever wondered what your partner is thinking about the mess, or felt frustrated that they don't notice what stresses you out, this may give you some real relief.

What you'll hear:

• The real difference between "not noticing" and "noticing differently"
• Why systems matter more than you think
• How the mental load shows up in relationships
• What actually makes it easier for both of you

Tame the Chaos is a podcast about the mindset side of organizing and what it really looks like to create a home (and a life) that works, hosted by San Diego professional organizer Elyse Metzger. New episodes every other week. 🎙️ 

Connect with Elyse:

Instagram: @the.organized.way

Facebook: The Organized Way

YouTube: @theorganizedway

Website: discovertheorganizedway.com

Have a question or topic idea? DM me. I'd love to hear from you!

Subscribe for more 💙

In the San Diego area? I work with clients for home organizing and move management. Book a free consult.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Think about a time you walked through your front door or any other room in your house and you see a huge mess. If you're anything like me, that gives you anxiety and maybe a little bit frustration with the other people you live with. This episode is not about the trigger points. It's about who notices the trigger points. Today I'm going to have a special guest, my husband. And I'm going to sit down with him and we're going to talk about what he notices in the home, what he thinks about organization, and just his thoughts about the mess that's in the house. So if you're like me, one of those people who gets anxiety with little messes around the house and even more frustrated with those people who don't notice, then this episode is for you. I'm Elise Metzger, organizer and founder of The Organized Way. Welcome to Tame the Chaos. Let me give you a little background. So a couple of weeks ago, it was my son's last week of school. So we were busy doing all of the fun school things. Also, while I was slammed with client projects, and my husband was also busy with work. So to say the least, we were very busy that week. One morning I walked out in the kitchen. It was like, you know, 6 a.m., 5:30 a.m., whatever time we wake up. And I looked around and I just got this feeling of like blanket of anxious over me. The sink had a pile of dishes. By the sink, there was a deflated balloon that didn't make it to the trash can that was literally inches away. There were like lemons all across the countertop. There were little dried up flowers that my dog had brought inside. And they were just like smashed into the ground. There was just stuff everywhere, which is definitely a trigger for me. And I asked my husband when he woke up. He woke up soon after me. And I'm like, it is a pig style in here. And he was like, What are you talking about? And I'm like, Oh my gosh, do you not see all of this stuff around? Like it just gives me so much anxiety. And he was like, Oh, you know, whatever. And I'm like, okay, whatever. And my head was thinking, like, how does he not see that? Like, clearly, there's stuff all over the counter, like random stuff, too. Not only the dishes, but like there is like dead dried up twigs and flowers on our floor. I don't know. That was just a bit intense for me. And then I started to get a little frustrated because I go to bed before my husband the night before and he just chills on the couch, he relaxes, he's on his phone, watching TV, whatever. Nothing against that. But it's like, if you saw some of these things, like why couldn't you have picked it up? In my husband's defense, he is married to a professional organizer. So when I get frustrated about things like this, I tend to hold back a little bit and I learn to pick my battles. But this also leads into the mental load that one or both parents carry with them. And it is quite heavy. And one parent may not know what the other parent is carrying or one partner, I shouldn't say parent. I mean, it can be, you know, you could be with or without kids, but it does lead into the mental load. And the conversation that I have with my husband is not accusatory. It's not to blame him. It's just to get curious about what he sees and his mindset on it. You are not imagining it and you are not crazy for getting frustrated. I hope this gives you insight and maybe some relief into what your partner is thinking about your own home. So here is how the conversation went with my husband. All right. So I have my husband Tim here. This is Tim. So we've been married for almost 10 years now. In two weeks, it'll be our 10-year anniversary. So we've been married quite a while and lived with each other for quite some time, right?

SPEAKER_00 4:54

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 4:56

All right. So as you know, I am doing a podcast episode on who notices the mess in the house.

SPEAKER_01 5:07

That's you.

SPEAKER_02 5:09

Who notices the mess in the house and uh kind of what we do about it and how we feel about it. And it's not to be judgmental or blame anyone or anything like that. I'm curious to know what you think about the house and us, us managing the household. So, okay. Here is my first question. On a scale of one to ten, how organized do you think our house is?

SPEAKER_01 5:45

Eight.

SPEAKER_02 5:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:48

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:49

I mean eight.

SPEAKER_01 5:51

More so because you always say that things aren't organized. So I just assume there's a little small snidge of not perfect.

SPEAKER_02 5:58

I don't think anyone's house is really organized, like out of 10. No. Unless it's like a staged home.

SPEAKER_01 6:06

That's like finding the perfect person. There's no such thing as a 10.

SPEAKER_02 6:09

Exactly. It's always 80%.

SPEAKER_01 6:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:12

Okay. That's a fair answer. Okay, okay. All right. In this household, the house we live in right now, would you say you know where everything lives?

SPEAKER_01 6:24

No.

SPEAKER_02 6:24

Really?

SPEAKER_01 6:26

I mean, for the most part, yes. I know the vicinities of things. I just don't know exactly where things are. When you change things and move things, it's hard for me to know where they are.

SPEAKER_02 6:35

I knew you were gonna say that.

SPEAKER_01 6:36

So it's tricky.

SPEAKER_02 6:38

I knew you were gonna say the moving thing. I don't move things that often. True, but maybe if we move around since we've moved so much.

SPEAKER_01 6:47

Maybe you just tell me when you move things, and then be like, Kim, this is where this is.

SPEAKER_02 6:50

It's kind of obvious. Okay. Okay, okay. So maybe 80% you would know where everything is.

SPEAKER_01 6:57

Most stuff. I know the areas there are. Maybe I might not find them in the nooks and crannies, but I'll find them eventually with a little help.

SPEAKER_02 7:03

Okay. Are there any any areas in the home that you think are weird that I organize?

SPEAKER_01 7:12

Our son's closet every few months. It's every few months. We changed around. Now I can't find his shirts. I can't find the hangers. He's growing. I understand.

SPEAKER_02 7:21

He's seven years old, growing out. He just had a growth spurt. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. So, okay. What's something you think that drives me crazy? Oh.

SPEAKER_01 7:32

How long is this podcast? In the house. In the house. Clutter definitely drives you crazy. I'd say clutter is probably the number one. It's easily the number one. And like the way we put things back isn't always the organized way. And so the jars are good. Or leaving little doors cracked sometimes or little nuances.

SPEAKER_02 7:54

Drawers open.

SPEAKER_01 7:55

Drawers open, yeah. That's what I mean. Crack a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 7:58

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:59

Okay. That does drive me crazy. I hear about that is okay.

SPEAKER_01 8:05

I can hear it from the other room if I forget. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 8:07

Well, what drives you crazy is about a house? Yeah. Like, are there any like messes or anything like Ace's toys everywhere?

SPEAKER_01 8:17

Ace's toys drives me a little nuts, but I mean nothing really drives me crazy crazy. I'd say things on the floor. I don't like things on the floor.

SPEAKER_00 8:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:27

Like that drives me crazy because I'll end up stepping on a rock, stepping on a toy, stepping on something, and then that triggers uh me falling or me hitting something or me getting upset with my foot.

SPEAKER_02 8:39

So okay. Okay, okay. That's fair. Okay. So this is something I did want to mention is that a couple weeks ago, Braxton's last week of school, I woke up and I mean, there were just random things everywhere. The sink was full of dishes, and then there was like a balloon, a popped balloon on the counter. Like most of it, yes, was Braxton stuff. But there was like lemons skewed all over the counter and like leaves from outside that the dog brought in. And I was like, this is a pig style. And you were like, What are you talking about? So the messes that I noticed, do you notice? You didn't notice anything.

SPEAKER_01 9:24

I mean, there's some of them. But like little things from outside could be from Ace, could be from Braxton, it could be from several things. Like leaves, they come in and they go.

SPEAKER_00 9:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

Um, balloons, maybe it just popped. The dishes, maybe I had a bad night because I typically do the dishes the night before. So, you know, there's there's variances. So there's things that you can do right away, and they're gonna get cleaned up before we leave the house. Okay, dishes typically get done before okay.

SPEAKER_02 9:50

So you're saying that you notice the mess, but you rationalize it like where they came from, and we're going to clean them up later.

SPEAKER_01 10:01

It's not something that's gonna stay there long term.

SPEAKER_02 10:03

Okay, so it doesn't bother you as much as it did me that morning. Okay. We'll get to know it it triggered me, like when I see clutter everywhere.

SPEAKER_01 10:16

All the door slightly ajar.

SPEAKER_02 10:18

Well, yeah, just shut the door. It's the two-step thing. Okay, well, yeah, okay. That my reasoning behind that is it like one step. Okay, just shut the door and be done. This adds two steps. You barely shut the door, and then you have to come back to shut the door again.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

I don't like slamming doors. Okay. Well, we have soft clothes. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't.

SPEAKER_02 10:43

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 10:44

Okay. The product.

SPEAKER_02 10:47

Okay. So okay, so that leads me into if the house is actually messy, would it stress you out?

SPEAKER_01 10:56

Yeah, a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 10:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

Yeah. If there's stuff everywhere that's gonna take a long time to actually fix or remediate, then that's gonna drive you crazy.

SPEAKER_02 11:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:06

Because then it's just way more work than we want to do.

SPEAKER_02 11:09

Like clean up and it's really time consuming.

SPEAKER_01 11:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:12

It's easier just to do it and be done.

SPEAKER_01 11:14

Agreed.

SPEAKER_02 11:15

Okay, and then when I get frustrated about the mess, do you realize that it's not about you?

SPEAKER_01 11:26

No.

SPEAKER_02 11:27

You think I'm attacking you?

SPEAKER_01 11:29

Sometimes I get the brunt of like the irritation.

SPEAKER_02 11:33

And so well, you realize it's not about you. Well, it's not it's about I eventually do. The mess. I know, but immediately you think I'm attacking you.

SPEAKER_01 11:42

Yes. Yes, 100%.

SPEAKER_02 11:46

Okay, well, that's something else we have to work at, I guess. So I'm not judging you. It just drives me nuts.

SPEAKER_00 11:56

I get it.

SPEAKER_02 11:57

It just maybe I think I care a little bit more than you are.

SPEAKER_00 12:03

100%.

SPEAKER_02 12:04

Okay. So do you realize how much mental energy it takes to manage a household?

SPEAKER_01 12:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:10

I know you manage it too. We both manage it. But like figuring out where things go and making sure totally.

SPEAKER_01 12:17

It's not easy.

SPEAKER_02 12:17

Yeah. No.

SPEAKER_01 12:18

And I always say thank you when you do it. And I'm always appreciative when you organize things. Like it's a hard thing to do. Yes. And you do it and you do it on your own.

SPEAKER_02 12:26

Yeah. I mean, you put things back sometimes, but it's with the management of me.

SPEAKER_01 12:31

Of course, yeah. You're my putterplace tobacco manager.

SPEAKER_02 12:35

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, all right. Do you have any questions for me or comments about this conversation?

SPEAKER_00 12:44

Did you enjoy it?

SPEAKER_02 12:46

See, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:46

I do too. It was fun.

SPEAKER_02 12:48

Yeah. But I have another question for you, just to close it up. So, what do you think would make it easier for us, me and you? Like, is there some sort of routine or like prompt or cue that would help us keep it cleaner? Not cleaner, but like more organized so things don't get carried away. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:16

I think it's just repetition.

SPEAKER_02 13:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:18

And I guess I think there's certain areas of the house that we always keep pretty organized. You look at that front entryway table, like that's pretty organized for the most part. I know exactly where my things go. Braxton typically knows where his things go. Scissors are there, poop bags are there, all the things that we know exactly there. So if we all had the same system for everything, and probably working together on these things. So you say, hey, here's what I did. Because then this way I know where they go. You know, we're creatures of habit, man. Like you just tell us certain things a bunch of times, sometimes a bunch of times. That'll help.

SPEAKER_02 13:52

Yeah. Okay. So systems, being clear.

SPEAKER_01 13:58

And not deer together, but yeah, sharing where what you did. Like it's then I'll know exactly where things go.

SPEAKER_02 14:04

Yeah. Like it's a team effort. All right. Well, that's all.

SPEAKER_01 14:10

Good. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 14:12

Good to be everyone. Thank you for joining today.

SPEAKER_01 14:16

Hey, this is a treat.

SPEAKER_02 14:19

After the conversation with my husband, here's what I figured out. He is not ignoring the mess. He sees it. He just sees it differently. Like when he mentioned that he did see the mess, but he knew it was going to be picked up after we got ready for school and after we dropped off my son from or after we dropped off my son and getting home that we would pick it up. He knew it would be picked up. So knowing this and getting insight from the questions that I asked him next time I see a mess in the house, then I can let up a little bit and not get so frustrated and know that he sees it. Something that stuck out to me is what he said at the end. And that is about the systems. I do tend to organize spaces on a whim. And so when I do that, I do realize that I may not share it with him. And that is opposite of what I would tell a client to do. I do teach my clients to encourage everyone in the home to be in on the system or be in on keeping your home organized. So what he did say confirms what I tell my clients and reminds me that I should do it in my own home. So that is something really big. If there is a takeaway from this, it would be that know that your partner probably does see the mess, but he he or she just sees it differently. And also that systems are really important. And also as a family, as the whole household, it's really important to be in on keeping it clean and organized and having systems that work for everyone. So remember this that two people or more a family can live in one household and be in on the same systems. It's not that one person doesn't notice, it's that they just notice it differently. It's not that they don't care. So it's your turn. Go ask your husband, wife, partner, whoever you live with, and tell me what they say. I am very interested to see if others have the same view, what they think about it, if their husbands say the same thing. I am very interested. I had a lot of fun with this episode. I hope it gave you some insight and maybe some relief in your own home. Thank you for watching. And if you like this content, hit subscribe for more. Otherwise, I will see you in two weeks. Bye for now.